Neglected or Spoiled?

We had an interesting weekend. It was a three day weekend as the 26th was Liberation Day and if it didn’t just rain the whole time! It was incredible all the rain we got. Which meant that the neighbor kids weren’t out to play as much and Ella couldn’t play as much either. Meaning that Grace and Ella spent a lot of time cooped up in the house. Not a good thing but it gave me some time to do some serious research on the behavioral habits of a three, almost four year old, only child .

Ella had taken to crying a lot last week and even threw a huge temper tantrum, complete with thrashing on the floor and screaming, when I left for work one day. She sobbed and cried continuously over the weekend leaving me wondering just what was going on. Now, my parenting style has been along the lines of high structure, high nurture, with a strong emphasis on the nurturing part (have to make up for L’s first three years after all!). So when your poor little girl’s eyes well up with tears and they start rolling down her chubby little cheeks while she’s clinging to you whimpering for no apparent reason, you sooth the poor little tyke and try to figure out what’s wrong. Has taking her back to the orphanage twice this month been too much for her emotionally? Is she grieving? What is wrong??

I had two conflicting theories floating around in my head. Do I neglect Ella or spoil her? You can constantly be around your children and still neglect them emotionally. I’ve seen it many times before and I’m always afraid I will fall prey to it, as I do a lot of reading in the afternoons after work and on the weekends. Or, on the other hand, do I spoil her too much, give her too much one on one attention, and she’s throwing a fit when she can’t have it on demand like she wants it?

As the loooong weekend wore on, I began to note a pattern in the little tykes fits of crying, clinging and sadness. Oddly enough, these seemed to hit when she was told to either not do something that she wanted, or to do something that she didn’t want. Hmmm now, what could it be? Yes I am a moron and yes this was going on right under my nose and yes it did take me at least five days to figure it out by I haven’t been a mom very long either!! The child is SPOILED!! She’s such a well behaved, cute child though your average person would never suspect. But wow, have I really, really spoiled this child!

My confirmation came Sunday afternoon when a friend stopped by with her six year old. As the six year old was putting on her shoes to come outside, Ella lunged and was savagely trying to wrestle the poor kids shoe off her foot! Ella loves shoes and whenever any kid comes over it seems there is a big shoe swap. Luckily this six year old has six younger siblings and just kept walking, totally ignoring the spoiled little hooligan pouncing on her feet. This resulted in Ella casting herself upon the floor in a crying, screaming heap, thus confirming my suspicions that the child was spoiled and a serious crack down needed to ensue.

So yep, little L is really starting to challenge my non existent parenting skills. She so is NOT a strong willed child but she sure is a sassy one. The girl is mouthy! I am so taken back by some of the things she says that I often have a hard time reacting seriously. She’s funny! And sadly, she knows it…

Another thing that I have learned is that plunking your child in front of the tube whenever she or he is in a pouty or whimpering mood is not a good long term solution. It works great temporarily, but…

Who, me? Spoiled? How could you not?

Donkeys and Turtles

Yesterday we went to the zoo with our neighbors (a future post will describe what lengths I went to get a zoo pass! And no, I didn't have to sleep with anybody...). We had an incredibly rainy weekend and we were all exhibiting some serious symptoms of cabin fever, so a trip to the zoo was in order.

The kid crew

First stop, donkeys. Ella and Sophia astride their noble beasts, Steve and Robert

Janet, upon her trusty mount

And Madeline aboard her faithful donkey

We found this awesome turtle up by the ostrich pens. While the passing by Ugandans wanted to squish it (??) I wanted to steal it. I was seriously thinking of how I would either slip it into my bag or under my shirt (NO ONE would EVER look for a turtle there!) but the four little pairs of eyes and an adult pair of eyes looking at me, stopped me. Little kids have a way of doing that to you. "We look up to you and you are going to steal that turtle? It's okay to steal then?" Ella actually doesn't make me feel too guilty because she wouldn't quite understand that what I was doing was wrong (nor would she think that Mom walking around with a turtle under her shirt was strange), but the other little kids would have, not to mention Melinda! So I glared at the kids and said firmly, "It is WRONG to steal" as if it actually flit through their honest little heads to steal it. Seriously, accountability is a good thing!

Sophia and the turtle

Madeline and the turtle

Janet and the turtle

And of course, Ella and the turtle because everyone else held it so she had to! She pretty much just held it long enough to get her picture taken.

Old L's in an awkward position with our neighbors. She's the youngest of them all but still wants to be in charge and bossy. Sometimes it works and sometimes it just doesn't! It's been so great having such a nice family next door and nice kids for her to play with. The more she plays with them the less she demands of me!!

Attachment

I was writing an annual progress report on Ella's development for my Probation Officer and was actually surprised and encouraged at how well Ella is doing, mainly in the attaching department.



She is doing phenomenal. Better than some kids I know who have been adopted at younger ages and who have been with their parents longer! The reasons for this are;



a) The Lord. He really did protect her those long months that she was kept waiting in that orphanage due to seemingly senseless issues resulting with the organization I work with.



b) Ella's hard work and amazing attitude. This kid came out of that orphanage ready to make this work! She is a good decision maker and from the beginning decided that she wanted a mother. Not all kids decide this, especially if they have gone their entire lives without one and have learned to take care of and protect themselves, both physically and emotionally. Sometimes change can just be too hard and painful.



c) All of the books on adoption and attachment that I read helped tremendously. They gave me a realistic grip on what the realities of jerking a child out of the only home they've known would be, especially from an institutionalized setting. They made me aware of problem areas to look for and why she might be exhibiting certain behaviors and how to help retrain and nurture her. Despite this, I was not the best or most patient parent and was even angry the first several months. Which makes God's grace even more amazing in this situation and the grace that Ella has shown to me and all of my bumbling mistakes!



These are lists of 'accomplishments' that well attached children of various ages should show to their parents. They are from Deborah Gray's book, Attaching in Adoption- Practical Tools for Today's Parents, which is a must read if you're adopting a child of any age, but especially anyone over 2 years old!



The following should be evident in a child from 2 to 4 years old

• The child wants cuddles and snuggles from parents
• The child wants parents for bedtime rituals
• The child wants parents to see his accomplishments
• The child checks on parents whereabouts when he is doing something against the rules
• The child competes for parents’ positive attention and does not interrupt the attention when she gets it.
• The child gets parents’ help in solving problems, preferring their help to a stranger’s help.
• The child gives eye contact and responsive smiling to parents many times a day.
• The child imitates parents’ activities and tries to stay physically close to them.
• The child mimics some mannerisms of the parent, and states their rules.

Ella also exhibits the following characteristics of a four to seven year old child with healthy emotional development.

• The child seems generally interested in sharing her interests with the parent.
• The child likes to play with the parent
• The child seems to like the parent
• The child looks at the parent and smiles many times a day.
• The child hugs the parent and likes when the parent hugs her.
• The child accepts discipline as fair after an initial protest or sulk.
• The child tries to please the parent much of the time and gets distressed when she fails.
• The child shows a full range of emotions.
• The child wants the parent when he gets sick or overwhelmed.
• The child does not show pleasure when parents get hurt, but shows distress and empathy.
• The child wants to grow up to be like the parent in some ways.
• The child is making friends and enjoying play with friends.
• The child continues to master new skills.

Ella exhibits ALL of these, and strongly. On a scale form 1 to 5 she'd probably rate a 6 or 7 :) At one point I as starting to get concerned that she was showing symptoms of 'anxious attachment' she was acting so attached. But after reading up more on it, she's not. Her attachment is a healhty one, just extremely strong.



Now, I was quite a momma's girl when I was a tot and jokes were often made about me being my mom's tail, second head, or growth or something. Ella is even worse than I was I think! Part of this is because I think she came out of the orphanage at a stage when she was trying to find an identity for herself (Like an average kid will do at around 2 years, I think. What are my likes and dislikes. Who am I?). The only example she had was me (ack! That's a scary thought...) so she sort of just 'took on' a lot of my likes, dislikes and characteristics. Which could explain why she has wholeheartedly and enthusiastically taken on hedgehog care of ALL the hedgehogs, watering them at least once a day and feeding them :). That's my girl!

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The Master of Relaxation

... would be none other than our own Cody:)

Even on the Equator, cats will always find a spot in the sun!

This is sort of like bunk beds. Two levels :)

Uh, yah. Hard worker, our Cody... ;-)

Biker Babe

Ella, standing with her birthday gift from her Aunt Becky, after retrieving it from the office on our boda

Note the "Sheriff Montana Territory" star on her sequined jacket... ;)

Who needs leather when you have a sheriff's star?

Playground Fun!

Yes, instead of referring simply to our “swing set,” I am now referring to our “playground” since the addition of two half buried tires entered the picture over the weekend. They are actually for children to climb on and jump from – NOT doggie urinals like Bridger originally thought. They were sort of placed in the dogs dumping grounds however, so maybe he has a point. Poor Bridge. He is such a good dog that he had taken to pooping in the compost pile but then it got moved and a swing set erected over it. So that place kind of got taken over. Then he started going over in the empty grassy area by the wall. Suddenly two urinals were placed there with little girls bounding all over them. So where’s he supposed to go now, poor boy? The people are slowly taking over the compound… But wait. How did I digress to the toileting habits of my dogs??



Back to the playground/play area. It is coming right along. We can seriously have hours of fun out there on our swing set and the muscles in my shoulders are actually sore from pushing my 36.5 lb child through the air over my head! She is a pretty darned good little swinger too. She hangs on well and never gets scared even when I’m scared for her!



So following are some pictures of our “play area” put to use.

The Tires

Tires can double as a boda, donkey or horse

Oh how I like that figure!!

You can practice your ballet moves on a tire (well, at least Montanans can)

And other moves

Dismount (which is half the fun)

The Swing (and a variety of ways in which to swing on it)

On your stomach. What even adds more to the thrill is getting rocks and throwing them at the wall when you do this. Just hope that your mom or dog isn’t in the way!

Standing

The one foot stand (can you tell that her old lady used to be a trick rider?)

The midair dismount

The Rope Ladder

This is as high as I’ll let her go. Her feet are still over my head! Her 6 year old friend Janet climbs right to the top one and just squats there like a little bird. They like to peek over the wall and spy on the neighbors…

The major thing that our play area is lacking now is a slide. I’m going to keep my eyes open for a nice big plastic one. They have metal ones but they get hot and rust up. I don’t mind putting some money into a nice play area for my kid considering the fact that kids here can play outside 12 months out of the year, we live in a really small house and my kid plays outside more than the other average expat kid. That’s partly why she’s so dark – she’s outside playing in the sun all the time.

Yes, the dogs feel left out although the doggie urinals do help. Now if only the kids will stop playing on them… ;)

Odd’s n Ends

• The U.S dollar has risen making the exchange rate 1,965 Uganda shillings to the dollar right now! That is the highest it’s ever been in the four years that I’ve been here. Earlier this year it was down to around 1500. Now that it’s up I guess I need to go buy something big…

• I got my W2 electronically and sent to my dad :). In the past the stupid thing has been sent to Nairobi. Yah, weird. So this year I was able to get it electronically which saves my dad a lot of hassle trying to find the darned thing. He does my taxes for me which is a HUGE help!

• My ear is still plugged, since Christmas, and I still can’t hear much out of it. I’m getting used to it though. Ella suggested that I get someone to “drill it.”

• I did the conversions and I’m paying $5.25 a gallon for gas. And that’s a good price! In Arua and some parts of Kampala during Christmas, it was about $6.30 a gallon! I’m glad that I didn’t do the conversions before we took off for Arua… ;)

• The prices of fresh fruits and vegetables are amazing here. I pay $1.60 for 30 passion fruits (which I can get over a gallon of juice out of!), $.55 for six small green peppers (or three huge ones), about 10 tomatoes for $.55 and a finger of sweet bananas for $.83. A medium sized fresh pineapple is about the same.

We do our shopping at the Saturday market every week. This week we bought potatoes, bananas, a pineapple, onions, three cloves of garlic, tomatoes, carrots, green pepper, passion fruit and three large avocados all for 13,000 Uganda Shillings, which, with the current exchange rate of 1,965, was about $6.61!!! That really is incredible. So where we pay through nose for gas, we make up for in cheap fresh veggies and fruit I guess. I thought about going vegetarian once, because of the cheap fruit and veggie prices, but only lasted about two days without any meat…

• Ella has learned to get dressed all by herself. Clothes right side out and facing the right way, too. Sometimes I wonder if I baby her too much, especially when compared to other kids her age, but it hasn’t seemed to have hurt her much at all. Just letting her advance at her own pace seems to be working well and as far as attachment is concerned, well I’d say there’s nothing at all to worry about there.

• Ella has also taken it upon herself to “parent” the neighbor children. True, they are all older than she is but she sees no reason why she should not give their mother a bit of help now and then. Be it lecturing them across the yard on how “you guys need to share” to spanking them simply “because she needed it,” Ella is quite the little supervisor. The kid talks just like an adult which just might get her into trouble in the future, as she's not even four years old yet!
  
  

Swimming Fun

January is one of the hot seasons in Entebbe and this January has been no exception. On Friday we got Ella's little wading pool out, blown up and filled and the little tyke has been splashing in it ever since. The kid goes nuts in it!


She carefully arranges her toys outside the pool before she goes into one of her splashing frenzies

Saturday we were going to go to Kampala to join Lisa and Co to a trip to Didi's World (amusement park for kids) but since it was so darned hot they just came down to EBB and we went swimming for real, in a big pool.

Lisa's kids are all swimming now because of ten days they spent in Kenya last October where all there really was for them to do was swim. Now poor little Ella has been on the verge of swimming every time she's been dunked in a pool. Her only problem is her mother who only takes her swimming about every 6 months. You see, Ella's mom hates to swim! It's not actually the swimming part that she hates so bad, but the getting wet and cold part.

The swimmers, after several hours of swimming

Pool toys are fun to play with even when they're not in the pool!

Ella and Jake dancing

It was so hot on Sunday that Ella swam in her wading pool three times! She definitly doesn't mind getting wet and cold. Since it's been so hot, I'm going to try to take her swimming more.

Rope Ladder Remodeled

Ella and I did a necessary remodeling of the rope ladder yesterday. It was really to0 loose before for the kids to climb (especially Ella who had just learned to climb anyway). Our neighbor suggested using pvc pipe for the rungs and sure enough, there was even a big long bit of it laying unused behind the house! So I didn't even have to buy any :)

The finished product

Ella made it to the fourth rung and her friend Janet climbed all the way onto the top one! Much better when it comes to spying on the neighbors over the wall ;) This is such a cool swing set!

Passport Application Continued

Last Thursday I was able to take Ella’s passport application in and leave it at the lawyers. Yes. We are still working on that darned passport! I had an unfortunate encounter with a certain government official whom I needed to get a letter from in order to turn in my applications, last November. The man is an asshole, pure and simple. I left his office raving mad and burst into tears in the parking lot. I cry when I’m really, really furious and by golly was I ever! I called our lawyer and she said just to bring in all the paperwork and they’d get the letter, so that is what we’ve done. I’m also hoping that they just run it through immigration for us too. I do not mind the extra fee that’s for sure, if they can get it done in a timely manner and save me the time and extreme frustration. It’s no wonder there is so much corruption in this country. It seems that at times they want to force you into it! The man was requiring something that I can NOT GET because I live here in Uganda, yet the law says that you MUST live here. Yah, go figure. This dude is just full of it though and enjoys hassling people like me. Seems he has different requirements for different people every day.

So hopefully the passport will be done this month, then I get a tourist visa for Ella to enter the U.S, then I buy our tickets!! Through a serious of circumstances we will be coming home in MAY instead of August!! Only 4 months away!!! We will now be staying May – August (hopefully). Word is out that the U.S is issuing a year long tourist visa to kids like L, instead of the previous three month one. So we are praying for a year long one so that we can stay for four months. After four years I can not wait to go back home!! And to take my daughter with me is a blessing I never would have dreamed of when I set out four years ago:)

Ella’s second visit to Sanyu

Thursday Ella and I also paid a visit to Sanyu, where L lived for the first three years of her life. We had a great visit and she really blessed everyone that saw her. Thankfully she didn’t have quite the extreme meltdown that she did last time (wailing and grieving and writhing in her car seat the entire hour journey home) but there has been some less then positive effects from the visit. All the adoption books say that taking your child back where they came from periodically, as long as it isn’t a dangerous environment, is a good thing but I just don’t know. I really don’t. It seems that I screwed something up either by not taking her earlier or taking her too soon or not more frequently or something.

She did fine during the day but that evening she climbed up into my lap and just laid there, starting to fall asleep. Very unusual, especially as it was only 7pm. I gave her a bath, which she cried through, put her pj’s on her and she was asleep on my lap by 7:30pm. She said that she wanted to go back again but that it made her sad. I sort of had the same reaction! So many crazy emotions for such a little kid to have to deal with. She hasn’t slept terribly well ever since and especially is having trouble going to sleep at bedtime. We share the same bed but she wants me in there with her while she falls asleep and she’ll wake up after an hour or so and start crying because I’m not there. Just a bit more clingy at night than usual.

The people that work at the babies home were overjoyed to see her, bringing tears to my ever “watering” eyes quite often. I swear there are weird hormones that go along with adoption because I get really emotional at the drop of the hat and it is always in regards to my daughter or some other kid like her. I never used to choke up about anything (even Bridger!) but I find myself quite often bursting into tears when I think Ella related thoughts. Too weird. I never used to be like this!!

It was rather bittersweet to see Ella there playing with the other children, all dressed up in her “Kampala clothes” (complete with painted finger and toe nails, jewelry, etc), while looking into the rather haunting eyes of some of the other children. It should just make me really happy to see my child out of those hopeless circumstances but it seems that it has just made me even more saddened for those kids that haven’t made it out yet and are destined to institutionalization for the rest of their childhoods. Fitting into normal society without any relatives or normal social skills is also really hard for them when they reach adulthood. Not a happy thing.

It also convicted me of my own selfishness. Oddly enough, I did not have to sacrifice much when I adopted Ella and my lifestyle has not changed all that much. I can still pretty much do what ever I want when I want, only now I have a fun, cheerful little buddy to do it with me. Ella simply has fit into my life too well and I’ve been afraid to screw that up and lose some of my freedoms and reputation. A single woman saddled down with kids is not my idea of cool. But looking into some of those little guys eyes I was really convicted at how I was willing to sacrifice one of their futures for my own freedoms and reputation. And that is very, very wrong. I can see that even more now that I’ve adopted Ella and have seen several other children from Sanyu adopted (sometimes through miraculous circumstances!) to families and the futures they now have.

So yes, I am definitely planning on adopting again, probably before the year is out. No clue as to where from, the age or gender of the child but I’m pretty sure it’s going to happen. Exciting to think about but sad to think that the little kiddo is sitting out there somewhere right now waiting. I’m praying that God will protect him or her like He did Ella.

One thing that I do not want to ever happen is Ella growing up despising orphans or thinking that she’s better than they are just because she found herself a mother. I’ve seen it before where someone will despise those who are like they used to be after they’ve gotten out of it. And I don’t want Ella to ever be like. I also don’t want her to every pity these children or think less of them. I want her to be able to use her own past to be able to love and empathize with them. They are no different then we are and they are not freaks. They are normal little people who just really, really need families.

VIVA

Before we went to Sanyu or the lawyers, Ella and I stopped to see our old friend Mercy (who worked at Sanyu while L and I were there) at her new job, Viva, an organization that is promoting adoption in Uganda. It was not only fun to see Mercy again (the last time she’d seen Ella was in June!) but to learn more about Viva. This organization is promoting adoption in Uganda, rather than just wanting money to set up yet another institution which often times propagates orphans and abandoned children. The last thing Uganda needs is another orphanage – it needs Ugandan (or other) families to adopt these kids.

Viva provides a lot of information and resources on adoption and fostering. This week I am trying to schedule with my church a Sunday that a Viva spokesperson or two can come out and give a presentation, either this or next month. Ella is probably the best advocate for adoption of all and several people that I work or go to church with have expressed their interest and complete lack of knowledge about adoption and the kids that are kept in orphanages. Hopefully this will help answer their questions and hopefully plant some seeds in other peoples heads. Having little Ella around has provided a face and a name and a personality for the millions of orphans in Uganda that need homes.

Someone who is very near and dear to us, and knows us almost better than anyone (especially Ella), told me this week that she has decided that she is definitely going to adopt and that she’d like to bring her child home when we bring ours home the end of this year! So it looks like there are at least two little kids out there who have permanent homes and families waiting for them and that makes me incredibly happy :).

Ella's friends

I thought I'd post some pictures from the last week of Ella and her friends. We are SO blessed by our friends and our new neighbors (who are also our friends).

Ella and one of her very best buddies, our neighbor Janet. They were modeling the new clothes that Ella had just gotten from her Aunt Becky.

Baby Hannah, Janet's sister, was in on the action too. Is she just not the cutest baby you've ever seen? This kid is adorable! Janet and Hannah have two other sisters, Sophia and Madeline, who were sick and in Kampala, which is why these two were over playing. Their parents are Americans.

Ella and Hannah. Ella will be an awesome big sister! She does have a rather rough way of "helping" Hannah with her pacifier though. She grabs Hannah's forehead and kinda forces it in... Having three older sisters, Hannah takes it all in stride.

Ella's little friend, Ninnypikkins, enjoys the swing set too

And Ella greatly enjoys pushing her!

Cody taking a snooze on the couch

Ella sports the most awesome milk mustaches!

This is where I keep Ella when she's talking too much. It's the perfect size :)